Gylanic Child #3 - Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting

I just picked up the book, "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn from my local library. In July, I was invited to see him speak and wasn't able to attend, so I put the book on hold and have waited patiently for my turn to read it - 5 holds later. (You'll find that I am a huge fan of my public library and much of what I have to say will revolve around its use!)
I've barely skimmed the introduction and the first two chapters and already I am insisting that my husband and I read it together. I've wanted to do this many times with the many parenting books I've read, but never have I been so insistent (or successful, either). We did read the introduction last night, so I have hope that we'll follow it through to the end...together.
First a little bit of background.
My pregnancy was a surprise and my husband and I were not too young, but our relationship was too young. We were not seeking to become parents and so were in crisis about our pending parenthood. It isn't that I didn't want to have children, because I did, I just always imagined that things would work out differently, that I would have a career, or at the very least, be married. But, I guess I tend to be a bit of a passive-liver (it has nothing to do with processing foods, I assure you): events and people come my way and I deal with them the best I can. But, there isn't much that I seek from the external world (good books being one exception).
Well, my son is 7 years old now and my husband and I both homeschool him as we constantly struggle to make our living as artists. Some days our relationships seem just magical, but much of the time I find myself in this cycle of arguing and trying to coerce, manipulate and threaten my son into doing what I want him to do, when I want him to do it.
Granted, I grew up in a household where people didn't express their feelings very well. Both of my parents have a nasty temper and not a whole heck of a lot of patience. So, where I lack in assertiveness, I've made up for in anger. What am I angry about? Lots of things. The state of things in the world - war, suffering, injustice; my lack of financial stability and all of the things that I can't give my son because I've chosen to really be with him instead of pursuing a full-time career; the fact that I'm 33 and still haven't found what my big contribution in life is to be. Just underneath the surface, I feel angry about all of these things and although I have worked and continue to work hard to transform my anger into inner peace or at least positive thought, the anger is still there, waiting patiently for the least little frustration to set it off. Don't think I'm not taking responsibility. I know that I should have self control. But, this is something I didn't learn from my parents and I am in danger of not being able to teach it to my child, either.
I see very clearly now how vicious the cycle is. Alfie Kohn's premise seems to be that unconditional parenting requires the parent to think in terms of what they want their children to become, in the bigger picture, when deciding how to treat them now. It makes a great deal of sense. Do I want my child to do everything I tell him to do with no opinion or feelings of his own? No, I don't. And, I don't want him to be an adult who doesn't know how he feels or what he wants out of life unless someone else tells him, either. And, really, I don't think he has any problem in this area. He is exceedingly opinionated and forceful and argumentative because, I guess, I am trying to control him and he is rebelling. What scares me is that he's only seven and I fear what the teen years will be like if I don't figure out how to stop doing the things that I am doing so terribly wrong.
I know people who parent in just the way that Alfie Kohn proposes. They neither punish nor reward their children and they never have. My question is, now that I've produced this highly creative, intelligent yet angry and argumentative child, how can I help bring him, indeed bring my whole family, back to a place of mutual respect and tolerance?
Just a thought...
Mary Preiser Potts

Gylanic Child #2 - Raffi, Elora Media and Dr. Wayne Dyer

(robots, by jonah potts)

As I mentioned before, the Gylanic Child part of this blog is going to be an ongoing theme. I hope to present interesting new media for parents who are seeking alternatives to what is currently "out there", media-speaking, for children.

Raffi, as you may or may not know, is an internationally known musician and children's advocate. He is a troubadour, in the true sense of the word, singing and speaking his heart out for children, for equality, and for a better world. My favorite thing about him is his Child Honouring Covenant. If you've never read it before, you should...read raffi's child honouring covenant. I think he pretty much sums up anything more I could possibly say about what our children are and what they need from us. My local library has a substantial collection of Raffi media, including books, concerts and sing-a-longs - your library probably does as well.

The second media resource I want to touch upon is Elora Media. This website is an excellent source of gylanic child media, including books, videos, music, activity books and more. Elora Media was founded by co-creator of the independant film, What The Bleep Do We Know?!, Betsy Chasse, who while traveling around with What the Bleep?! met many parents who wanted to know where they could find this kind information in children's media! And, so her next project became immediately clear! I wish I could say that my local library carries many Elora Media books, but I've only found one children's book so far from their collection ("Where Does the Sun Go?" by Gary Craig). Anyway, if you're looking for this kind of media, definitely check out their website - they even offer the latest children's books by Dr. Wayne Dyer (positive thinking mega man!), published by the phenomenal Hay House. "Incredible You" (also at my local library, but buried 5 holds deep, just to attest to its popularity) illustrates The 10 Ways to Let Your Greatness Shine Through: 1. Share the Good 2. Find What You Love 3. You are Filled with Love 4. Find a Quiet Place Inside 5. Make Today Great! 6. Change Your Thoughts to Good 7. Take Care of Yourself 8. Picture What You Want 9. Everyone Is Special, Especially You 10. Good Thoughts Give You Energy.

Indeed, these are the things that our children could be focused on - when will we get a new genre of video games, as well?

Enjoy!

Mary Preiser Potts