Gylanic Child #3 - Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting

I just picked up the book, "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn from my local library. In July, I was invited to see him speak and wasn't able to attend, so I put the book on hold and have waited patiently for my turn to read it - 5 holds later. (You'll find that I am a huge fan of my public library and much of what I have to say will revolve around its use!)
I've barely skimmed the introduction and the first two chapters and already I am insisting that my husband and I read it together. I've wanted to do this many times with the many parenting books I've read, but never have I been so insistent (or successful, either). We did read the introduction last night, so I have hope that we'll follow it through to the end...together.
First a little bit of background.
My pregnancy was a surprise and my husband and I were not too young, but our relationship was too young. We were not seeking to become parents and so were in crisis about our pending parenthood. It isn't that I didn't want to have children, because I did, I just always imagined that things would work out differently, that I would have a career, or at the very least, be married. But, I guess I tend to be a bit of a passive-liver (it has nothing to do with processing foods, I assure you): events and people come my way and I deal with them the best I can. But, there isn't much that I seek from the external world (good books being one exception).
Well, my son is 7 years old now and my husband and I both homeschool him as we constantly struggle to make our living as artists. Some days our relationships seem just magical, but much of the time I find myself in this cycle of arguing and trying to coerce, manipulate and threaten my son into doing what I want him to do, when I want him to do it.
Granted, I grew up in a household where people didn't express their feelings very well. Both of my parents have a nasty temper and not a whole heck of a lot of patience. So, where I lack in assertiveness, I've made up for in anger. What am I angry about? Lots of things. The state of things in the world - war, suffering, injustice; my lack of financial stability and all of the things that I can't give my son because I've chosen to really be with him instead of pursuing a full-time career; the fact that I'm 33 and still haven't found what my big contribution in life is to be. Just underneath the surface, I feel angry about all of these things and although I have worked and continue to work hard to transform my anger into inner peace or at least positive thought, the anger is still there, waiting patiently for the least little frustration to set it off. Don't think I'm not taking responsibility. I know that I should have self control. But, this is something I didn't learn from my parents and I am in danger of not being able to teach it to my child, either.
I see very clearly now how vicious the cycle is. Alfie Kohn's premise seems to be that unconditional parenting requires the parent to think in terms of what they want their children to become, in the bigger picture, when deciding how to treat them now. It makes a great deal of sense. Do I want my child to do everything I tell him to do with no opinion or feelings of his own? No, I don't. And, I don't want him to be an adult who doesn't know how he feels or what he wants out of life unless someone else tells him, either. And, really, I don't think he has any problem in this area. He is exceedingly opinionated and forceful and argumentative because, I guess, I am trying to control him and he is rebelling. What scares me is that he's only seven and I fear what the teen years will be like if I don't figure out how to stop doing the things that I am doing so terribly wrong.
I know people who parent in just the way that Alfie Kohn proposes. They neither punish nor reward their children and they never have. My question is, now that I've produced this highly creative, intelligent yet angry and argumentative child, how can I help bring him, indeed bring my whole family, back to a place of mutual respect and tolerance?
Just a thought...
Mary Preiser Potts

Gylanic Child #2 - Raffi, Elora Media and Dr. Wayne Dyer

(robots, by jonah potts)

As I mentioned before, the Gylanic Child part of this blog is going to be an ongoing theme. I hope to present interesting new media for parents who are seeking alternatives to what is currently "out there", media-speaking, for children.

Raffi, as you may or may not know, is an internationally known musician and children's advocate. He is a troubadour, in the true sense of the word, singing and speaking his heart out for children, for equality, and for a better world. My favorite thing about him is his Child Honouring Covenant. If you've never read it before, you should...read raffi's child honouring covenant. I think he pretty much sums up anything more I could possibly say about what our children are and what they need from us. My local library has a substantial collection of Raffi media, including books, concerts and sing-a-longs - your library probably does as well.

The second media resource I want to touch upon is Elora Media. This website is an excellent source of gylanic child media, including books, videos, music, activity books and more. Elora Media was founded by co-creator of the independant film, What The Bleep Do We Know?!, Betsy Chasse, who while traveling around with What the Bleep?! met many parents who wanted to know where they could find this kind information in children's media! And, so her next project became immediately clear! I wish I could say that my local library carries many Elora Media books, but I've only found one children's book so far from their collection ("Where Does the Sun Go?" by Gary Craig). Anyway, if you're looking for this kind of media, definitely check out their website - they even offer the latest children's books by Dr. Wayne Dyer (positive thinking mega man!), published by the phenomenal Hay House. "Incredible You" (also at my local library, but buried 5 holds deep, just to attest to its popularity) illustrates The 10 Ways to Let Your Greatness Shine Through: 1. Share the Good 2. Find What You Love 3. You are Filled with Love 4. Find a Quiet Place Inside 5. Make Today Great! 6. Change Your Thoughts to Good 7. Take Care of Yourself 8. Picture What You Want 9. Everyone Is Special, Especially You 10. Good Thoughts Give You Energy.

Indeed, these are the things that our children could be focused on - when will we get a new genre of video games, as well?

Enjoy!

Mary Preiser Potts

Gylanic Child

At the end of last summer, my son drew this picture. It is of a favorite tree, where he and the neighbor girl used to climb and sit and discuss their plans. The tree was strong and the trunk split low to the ground, which made it perfect for climbing - especially for 5 and 6-year-old's. The lower branch, unfortunately, was growing in a horizontal direction and, as the yard was small, the neighbors asked their landlord to trim it back. One day, two teenage boys arrived and began hacking at the tree. When they were finished, there was nothing left but the stump, about 2 feet high. My son was devastated and later outraged when he saw what had happened to the tree. I was unable to explain to him why it had happened because it seemed so unnecessary. This drawing commemorates something that he loved and lost, but that lives on in his memories and in his rendering of its beauty.

Many of my blog posts are going to focus on "gylany" for children. In fact, my original idea was to create the blog, "Gylanic Child" as a resource for nonviolent, non-gender-biased media and games for children, and who knows, perhaps someday I will. What does it mean to be a gylanic child? I have given much thought to this and I have attempted to research it, as well. The gylanic child would have access to the same kinds of media that our children have access to, but the content would be drastically different. I am still trying to define it precisely for myself, so if you're interested, then welcome aboard on this little mental trip I'm going to take to figure it out. I may do it in this post...then again, it may take a few (or many) additional posts to nail it down. Here goes.

I have read much of Joseph Campbell's work and I love reading world mythologies. However, I do believe that in order for there to be a real cultural paradigm shift, our idea of what is archetypal must also shift. The most obvious and classic archetypal model we have for storytelling (books, movies, games) is the battle of good vs. evil. These kinds of stories were told, I think, so that people would learn to identify with both their dark and their light sides. We all experience duality - it is the current reality of living in a physical world: light/dark, hot/cold, happy/sad. Almost everything we know comes with an opposite. This is true within ourselves, too. We are not static, but changing beings and we are valued based on how we change and the parts of ourselves that we learn to access. Without the archetypal good vs. evil, there is no Star Wars, no Lord of the Rings, no Wrinkle in Time. There is no battle. There is nothing to fight.

In our physical reality, the truth is that there is no good and no evil. There are just people and nature and the earth. Of course, there are people who do horrible things (chronically, even), but no one is purely good or purely evil. Unfortunately, this "battle" is being played out literally on the world stage, where it was never intended to be. I still shudder at hearing George Bush call Iran, Iraq and North Korea the Axis of Evil. And, in contrast, to point to himself as the leader of a good and benevolent force in the world, just before laying seige to Baghdad and killing innocent people is astounding. But, it is this imprint of good vs. evil that keeps us from truly seeing each other as one planet with one people upon it; and, that keeps us from really seeing ourselves with all of our love, kindness, compassion, judgements, prejudices and fears. The duality that exists is really within ourselves, not out in the world, but this kind of myth is constantly being manufactured by someone somewhere and playing itself out between the humans of this planet.

So...

The gylanic child would have access to an array of media based on a new paradigm of stories. I think there is already some good media, where creativity and magical thinking and just plain old growing up and learning to play and share and communicate feelings is being expressed. I am a huge fan of the Franklin tv series on Nickelodeon. Even on his worst day, he is gentle, and his parents are gentle and patient and less controlling than most parents really are! But, the characters speak to each other respectfully, they use their imaginations extensively and the overall feeling of each story is that growing up can be safe and, for the most part, fun. How much better off would we all be, if we started life with the notion that life was supposed to be fun! But more than just the "plain old growing up" stories, there would be many stories that illustrate what I would call Universal Truths.

Now, you may be skeptical, but I've been reading the Law of Attraction and other works from the channeling duo known as Abraham-Hicks and I've been studying the 100-year-old mind control method called The Master Key System (many such books can be found to read online for free at http://www.psitek.net/index2.html#new ) and the one thing I keep thinking to myself is that children know how to do this kind of thinking when they are young - for the most part. And, then...and, then, the negativity of their parents creep in, the judging, punishing, lecturing and criticizing until the child forgets that they are what they are, that they are worthy without doing anything, that they are someone to be proud of regardless of their honor roll status, that they control their world with their thoughts. They forget their natural wonder, their natural ability to meditate (adults call it daydreaming and tell the daydreaming child how useless it is - useless to be still and to think one's own thoughts?), their natural joy and wonder and love of beauty. The gylanic child would retain the valuable truths that he/she knows instinctively.

It is true that we learn immeasurably from our mistakes, given the chance to do so, but can we not learn as much from what is beautiful and perfect in our lives? Especially as children, can't the learning be fun and self-directed and pure? Why are we taught over and over that there is a battle to be waged, that the strongest and mightiest and fiercest "warriors" win, that they must struggle and suffer to get what they want! Has any fictional hero ever faced a battle in which he was asked NOT to fight? Is there an epic story in which the hero discovers that he, too, has a dark side and that the evil he is fighting also exists within himself and that people come in all shades of gray, and not, as he presumed, black and white? These are the kinds of epics I'd like to find for my son to grow up on. And, I will spend much time with this blog, finding and sharing resources to these kinds of stories. Little by little, we can reclaim our gylanic children!