Thoughts from 2007 for 2008

This is a belated post, conceived of back in November, but my life has been a little topsy-turvy - I spent 6 weeks nannying for friends of mine and spending time with an infant was just what I needed to bring my life back into perspective. At least I like to think so...

November 2007: I'm going to continue talking about the Bird Women (Goddesses) because it just won't let go of my thoughts - a pretty powerful feeling, really. At the beginning of November, I participated in Siren Nation, a women's festival in Portland, OR. The festival lasted three days and included musical performances, seminars and an art & craft marketplace. My bird woman art and collages had their debut at the marketplace. And even though I arrived an hour early because I was clueless that it was daylight savings, I had a great time, met some wonderful women and sold 3 collages in addition to some bookmarks - I also gave away 10 handmade bird woman coloring books. My bird women can be found at Infinity Arts Gallery.

Also, here is an interesting little tidbit. My 7 year old son is very into books on tape/cd right now. It's borderline obsessive, really, but anyway... Recently, he listened to a book called Sacajawea and she is referred to on the cover as Bird Woman. Somewhere in the recesses of my mind I know I've heard this before, but I don't remember why she was called this. So, now I guess I have more research to do!

I also wanted to write about, Sacred Pleasure, by Riane Eisler. I've been reading it on and off for months, trying to absorb as much of it as I can. Sacred Pleasure is really a continuation of Dr. Eisler's, The Chalice and The Blade. It is an in-depth analysis of historical gender relations in intimate relationships and sexuality. It is, in fact, a major part of what Gylany Now is all about. But, it isn't just about the oppression and suppression of women and the damage that has been done to women. Dr. Eisler also addresses the harm inflicted on males who are forced to uphold this imbalanced, violent dominator system. This imposed dominator system has left our intimate relationships, to say the least, fractured.

In western cultures, it seems, that there is a real push to regain the intimacy and partnership that was intended by nature to be the foundation of male-female bonding. But, I think the reality is that we have so many patterns to unlearn and so much reconstructing to do that even though we can see the problems clearly, it isn't really clear how to deal with them.

I have given much thought to this and one thing I come back to is the importance of the simple skill of identifying and communicating one's own feelings. Obviously, it helps also to live in a "free" society and since the U.S. is the only society I have first-hand knowledge of, you can assume that's the context I'm working from. Of course, if you live in a society in which women have restricted personal freedom, then learning to identify and communicate feelings isn't the first step towards creating a more egalitarian society or towards improving intimate relationships.

But, to return to my point, I have noticed that my young son and myself in particular refer to and react to a whole range of emotions - uncomfortable, unhappy ones - as anger.

It seems that our range for identifying emotions is extremely narrow. And, most often when I identify my strong negative emotions as anger, I'm not even certain why I'm angry. This leads me to the belief that I am misidentifying some negative emotions - most likely feelings of fear and worry - as anger.

There is a long history of buried emotions in both women and men. Particularly, I think women tend to bury their negative emotions, while men tend to bury their positive feelings. As a child, I remember asking my mother what was wrong when she appeared sad, angry or upset. The common answer I got was, "nothing". So, not to place blame, but just for purposes of identifying my own shortcomings, this dialogue is my foundation for identifying and sharing my feelings: "What's wrong?" "Nothing."

Specifically, I am likely to bury my negative emotions for a while and then one day - PMS is a common trigger - they explode all over the place. I think there is a term for this, but I can't think of what it is right now.

One common pattern of communicating from the men in my family is teasing. For lack of a more positive way of relating, the men by and large use teasing as their only means of connecting with or relating to family members. Again, this is a way of attempting to show positive feelings by communicating negatively. It doesn't get much more twisted than this.

These are my observations so far toward the goal of deciphering the code of unhealthy relationship patterns. For, as Dr. Eisler correctly points out, until we restore our ways of interacting in our intimate relationships, there isn't much of a chance of learning nonviolent conflict resolution on a planetary scale.

Ba-Ba-Bad Blogger!

This blogging thing is relatively new to me, so forgive my 20/20 hindsight - I realize now that I should have gotten the word out about this event in advance. Live and learn... Last Friday night (almost a week ago now) I went to see my hero, Riane Eisler, speak at the First Unitarian Church in downtown Portland. She was the keynote speaker for a local group beginning to try and find ways of implementing "a caring economy", which is a concept that comes directly from Riane Eisler's book, "The Real Wealth of Nations". Unfortunately, I can't talk much about "Real Wealth" because I haven't yet read it - my library (if you don't already know, I'm a library addict) doesn't own a single copy yet :-( . But, I will try to put the concept in a nutshell (forgive me if I butcher it unrecognizably). "The Real Wealth of Nations" is based on the idea that we should be, like some of the Scandinavian countries are already, counting into our GNP, the work of caregiving - including childcare, teaching, childrearing and elder care. We should be including the very important work of, excuse the term, housewives, without whom no other work could get done. She sights the disparity between what a plumber makes per hour compared to what a childcare worker or public school teacher earn. Not to mention that childcare workers, by and large, do not need any certification compared to the kinds of licensing we require for other professions. I can't wait to read it all and digest it and discuss it in the future, but for now, I suggest to you: If you can, go out and buy it and buy copies for your local library, too (and, mine, if you can)!!
This was the first time I had seen Riane in person and heard her speak (aside from videos). For me, it was like going to see the Beatles or Gandhi and it really didn't matter what she was going to talk about...I became a 5-year-old sponge again, soaking up her energy, eloquence and grace. After the talk, a few friends and I stayed in the chapel discussing a myriad of things, and finally made it to the reception room a half hour later. I was not entirely sure that I had the guts to talk to Riane, even though I knew she would be available for book signing. But, in my bag, I had tucked away a print of one of my collages (from my Bird Women series based on the work of Marija Gimbutas, who I learned about from reading "The Chalice and The Blade") and a letter that I had begun writing to Dr. Eisler last May. I was surprised to find that the line at her table was not long, so I went and stood behind the person who was speaking with her and waited my turn. When the time came, I shook her hand and, not knowing what else to say, started gushing about what a huge fan I am and how honored I was to meet her and how I've read almost everything she's ever written. She was quite gracious - used to meeting women like me, I suppose - and asked who I was. I told her I was an artist and a mother of a homeschooler and then found the opportunity to hand her my "gift". She stood up to receive it and we spoke of Marija Gimbutas and the bird goddesses for a few minutes before someone else came for her attention.
My friend and I exited at that point and I was elated that I had done the very thing I had come to do, despite much personal discomfort in doing so!!! Yeah for the introvert!
Just as a follow-up, I'll be displaying my Bird Women collages, prints, bookmarks and free coloring books at the Siren Nation Festival this Sunday, November 4 (11-4pm), at the Kennedy School in NE Portland. I can't wait to talk to people about my favorite subject!
Until next time...

The Gylany In My Life

(Dream Narrated By Three by Justin Potts)

It's Tuesday and I thought all weekend that I'd like to write a blog about the ways in which my life is gylanic - that is, oriented toward partnership. My immediate family consists of my husband, my son and our two pets. This makes things fairly simple for me :-). Of course, the gylany that I'm speaking of is the gylany that exists between my husband and I and how we share our responsibilities. I have told my mother-in-law many times that my husband is the only man on earth I would have married and thanked her for birthing him. I do it in a joking way, but I am really very serious.

In our house, many of the household duties usually considered to be women's work: cooking, cleaning and childcare are as evenly distributed as makes sense to us. We have created a lifestyle where we live, work and homeschool from our home. As such, we share the responsibility of cooking meals; we clean the house together once a week and we split each day in half to homeschool our son. This way, he gets to be with and learn from both of us and it breaks up his day. Also, we both have the opportunity of connecting with him and sharing his learning experiences. Obviously, this isn't for everyone, but it works with how our lives are structured and I think it is a benefit for him and for us!

Where housework is concerned, before we implemented the "everyone cleans" agreement, I often felt resentful that my husband had to mow the lawn maybe once or twice per month, change the oil every 3 months and do other odd or emergency "fixing" type jobs, but I had to clean the house and do the laundry every single week without fail. When we agreed to start cleaning the house together, it was as if an enormous weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Yes, I probably still do more cooking and childcare than he does, but he just replaced the starter in our minivan and spent most of his Saturday doing it! This is something I would never dream of doing and I'm so appreciative that he is willing and able to figure such things out. Also, I don't have to carry a hammer around with me everywhere I go in case I need to tap the starter to get the van to start!

As for cooking, it is an immense relief to me not to be responsible for every single meal, every single day of the week. I do like to prepare food, it is a good and holy thing, but the idea of it always falling to me is, like housework, resentment in the making! So, the way it works in our house is that whoever is the homeschool parent in the morning makes lunch and whoever is the homeschool parent in the afternoon makes dinner. This way, no one person has to be resonsible for two meals in a row on any given day. Now, of course, there are exceptions to this rule and we work them out gracefully, because we know that we are sharing the burden together. So, if I have to make two meals in a row, I know that it isn't a life sentence, just what's happening today!

I'd love to know how other people are going Gylanic!

In Peace,

Mary Preiser Potts

Gylanic Child #3 - Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting

I just picked up the book, "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn from my local library. In July, I was invited to see him speak and wasn't able to attend, so I put the book on hold and have waited patiently for my turn to read it - 5 holds later. (You'll find that I am a huge fan of my public library and much of what I have to say will revolve around its use!)
I've barely skimmed the introduction and the first two chapters and already I am insisting that my husband and I read it together. I've wanted to do this many times with the many parenting books I've read, but never have I been so insistent (or successful, either). We did read the introduction last night, so I have hope that we'll follow it through to the end...together.
First a little bit of background.
My pregnancy was a surprise and my husband and I were not too young, but our relationship was too young. We were not seeking to become parents and so were in crisis about our pending parenthood. It isn't that I didn't want to have children, because I did, I just always imagined that things would work out differently, that I would have a career, or at the very least, be married. But, I guess I tend to be a bit of a passive-liver (it has nothing to do with processing foods, I assure you): events and people come my way and I deal with them the best I can. But, there isn't much that I seek from the external world (good books being one exception).
Well, my son is 7 years old now and my husband and I both homeschool him as we constantly struggle to make our living as artists. Some days our relationships seem just magical, but much of the time I find myself in this cycle of arguing and trying to coerce, manipulate and threaten my son into doing what I want him to do, when I want him to do it.
Granted, I grew up in a household where people didn't express their feelings very well. Both of my parents have a nasty temper and not a whole heck of a lot of patience. So, where I lack in assertiveness, I've made up for in anger. What am I angry about? Lots of things. The state of things in the world - war, suffering, injustice; my lack of financial stability and all of the things that I can't give my son because I've chosen to really be with him instead of pursuing a full-time career; the fact that I'm 33 and still haven't found what my big contribution in life is to be. Just underneath the surface, I feel angry about all of these things and although I have worked and continue to work hard to transform my anger into inner peace or at least positive thought, the anger is still there, waiting patiently for the least little frustration to set it off. Don't think I'm not taking responsibility. I know that I should have self control. But, this is something I didn't learn from my parents and I am in danger of not being able to teach it to my child, either.
I see very clearly now how vicious the cycle is. Alfie Kohn's premise seems to be that unconditional parenting requires the parent to think in terms of what they want their children to become, in the bigger picture, when deciding how to treat them now. It makes a great deal of sense. Do I want my child to do everything I tell him to do with no opinion or feelings of his own? No, I don't. And, I don't want him to be an adult who doesn't know how he feels or what he wants out of life unless someone else tells him, either. And, really, I don't think he has any problem in this area. He is exceedingly opinionated and forceful and argumentative because, I guess, I am trying to control him and he is rebelling. What scares me is that he's only seven and I fear what the teen years will be like if I don't figure out how to stop doing the things that I am doing so terribly wrong.
I know people who parent in just the way that Alfie Kohn proposes. They neither punish nor reward their children and they never have. My question is, now that I've produced this highly creative, intelligent yet angry and argumentative child, how can I help bring him, indeed bring my whole family, back to a place of mutual respect and tolerance?
Just a thought...
Mary Preiser Potts

Gylanic Child #2 - Raffi, Elora Media and Dr. Wayne Dyer

(robots, by jonah potts)

As I mentioned before, the Gylanic Child part of this blog is going to be an ongoing theme. I hope to present interesting new media for parents who are seeking alternatives to what is currently "out there", media-speaking, for children.

Raffi, as you may or may not know, is an internationally known musician and children's advocate. He is a troubadour, in the true sense of the word, singing and speaking his heart out for children, for equality, and for a better world. My favorite thing about him is his Child Honouring Covenant. If you've never read it before, you should...read raffi's child honouring covenant. I think he pretty much sums up anything more I could possibly say about what our children are and what they need from us. My local library has a substantial collection of Raffi media, including books, concerts and sing-a-longs - your library probably does as well.

The second media resource I want to touch upon is Elora Media. This website is an excellent source of gylanic child media, including books, videos, music, activity books and more. Elora Media was founded by co-creator of the independant film, What The Bleep Do We Know?!, Betsy Chasse, who while traveling around with What the Bleep?! met many parents who wanted to know where they could find this kind information in children's media! And, so her next project became immediately clear! I wish I could say that my local library carries many Elora Media books, but I've only found one children's book so far from their collection ("Where Does the Sun Go?" by Gary Craig). Anyway, if you're looking for this kind of media, definitely check out their website - they even offer the latest children's books by Dr. Wayne Dyer (positive thinking mega man!), published by the phenomenal Hay House. "Incredible You" (also at my local library, but buried 5 holds deep, just to attest to its popularity) illustrates The 10 Ways to Let Your Greatness Shine Through: 1. Share the Good 2. Find What You Love 3. You are Filled with Love 4. Find a Quiet Place Inside 5. Make Today Great! 6. Change Your Thoughts to Good 7. Take Care of Yourself 8. Picture What You Want 9. Everyone Is Special, Especially You 10. Good Thoughts Give You Energy.

Indeed, these are the things that our children could be focused on - when will we get a new genre of video games, as well?

Enjoy!

Mary Preiser Potts

Gylanic Child

At the end of last summer, my son drew this picture. It is of a favorite tree, where he and the neighbor girl used to climb and sit and discuss their plans. The tree was strong and the trunk split low to the ground, which made it perfect for climbing - especially for 5 and 6-year-old's. The lower branch, unfortunately, was growing in a horizontal direction and, as the yard was small, the neighbors asked their landlord to trim it back. One day, two teenage boys arrived and began hacking at the tree. When they were finished, there was nothing left but the stump, about 2 feet high. My son was devastated and later outraged when he saw what had happened to the tree. I was unable to explain to him why it had happened because it seemed so unnecessary. This drawing commemorates something that he loved and lost, but that lives on in his memories and in his rendering of its beauty.

Many of my blog posts are going to focus on "gylany" for children. In fact, my original idea was to create the blog, "Gylanic Child" as a resource for nonviolent, non-gender-biased media and games for children, and who knows, perhaps someday I will. What does it mean to be a gylanic child? I have given much thought to this and I have attempted to research it, as well. The gylanic child would have access to the same kinds of media that our children have access to, but the content would be drastically different. I am still trying to define it precisely for myself, so if you're interested, then welcome aboard on this little mental trip I'm going to take to figure it out. I may do it in this post...then again, it may take a few (or many) additional posts to nail it down. Here goes.

I have read much of Joseph Campbell's work and I love reading world mythologies. However, I do believe that in order for there to be a real cultural paradigm shift, our idea of what is archetypal must also shift. The most obvious and classic archetypal model we have for storytelling (books, movies, games) is the battle of good vs. evil. These kinds of stories were told, I think, so that people would learn to identify with both their dark and their light sides. We all experience duality - it is the current reality of living in a physical world: light/dark, hot/cold, happy/sad. Almost everything we know comes with an opposite. This is true within ourselves, too. We are not static, but changing beings and we are valued based on how we change and the parts of ourselves that we learn to access. Without the archetypal good vs. evil, there is no Star Wars, no Lord of the Rings, no Wrinkle in Time. There is no battle. There is nothing to fight.

In our physical reality, the truth is that there is no good and no evil. There are just people and nature and the earth. Of course, there are people who do horrible things (chronically, even), but no one is purely good or purely evil. Unfortunately, this "battle" is being played out literally on the world stage, where it was never intended to be. I still shudder at hearing George Bush call Iran, Iraq and North Korea the Axis of Evil. And, in contrast, to point to himself as the leader of a good and benevolent force in the world, just before laying seige to Baghdad and killing innocent people is astounding. But, it is this imprint of good vs. evil that keeps us from truly seeing each other as one planet with one people upon it; and, that keeps us from really seeing ourselves with all of our love, kindness, compassion, judgements, prejudices and fears. The duality that exists is really within ourselves, not out in the world, but this kind of myth is constantly being manufactured by someone somewhere and playing itself out between the humans of this planet.

So...

The gylanic child would have access to an array of media based on a new paradigm of stories. I think there is already some good media, where creativity and magical thinking and just plain old growing up and learning to play and share and communicate feelings is being expressed. I am a huge fan of the Franklin tv series on Nickelodeon. Even on his worst day, he is gentle, and his parents are gentle and patient and less controlling than most parents really are! But, the characters speak to each other respectfully, they use their imaginations extensively and the overall feeling of each story is that growing up can be safe and, for the most part, fun. How much better off would we all be, if we started life with the notion that life was supposed to be fun! But more than just the "plain old growing up" stories, there would be many stories that illustrate what I would call Universal Truths.

Now, you may be skeptical, but I've been reading the Law of Attraction and other works from the channeling duo known as Abraham-Hicks and I've been studying the 100-year-old mind control method called The Master Key System (many such books can be found to read online for free at http://www.psitek.net/index2.html#new ) and the one thing I keep thinking to myself is that children know how to do this kind of thinking when they are young - for the most part. And, then...and, then, the negativity of their parents creep in, the judging, punishing, lecturing and criticizing until the child forgets that they are what they are, that they are worthy without doing anything, that they are someone to be proud of regardless of their honor roll status, that they control their world with their thoughts. They forget their natural wonder, their natural ability to meditate (adults call it daydreaming and tell the daydreaming child how useless it is - useless to be still and to think one's own thoughts?), their natural joy and wonder and love of beauty. The gylanic child would retain the valuable truths that he/she knows instinctively.

It is true that we learn immeasurably from our mistakes, given the chance to do so, but can we not learn as much from what is beautiful and perfect in our lives? Especially as children, can't the learning be fun and self-directed and pure? Why are we taught over and over that there is a battle to be waged, that the strongest and mightiest and fiercest "warriors" win, that they must struggle and suffer to get what they want! Has any fictional hero ever faced a battle in which he was asked NOT to fight? Is there an epic story in which the hero discovers that he, too, has a dark side and that the evil he is fighting also exists within himself and that people come in all shades of gray, and not, as he presumed, black and white? These are the kinds of epics I'd like to find for my son to grow up on. And, I will spend much time with this blog, finding and sharing resources to these kinds of stories. Little by little, we can reclaim our gylanic children!

Peaceful Societies?

"There's always been war. And there always will be war!" I'm not quoting anyone in particular, but I've been told this many times throughout my life as I continue to ask the question, "Why can't we all just get along?" It would be so much easier I think to truly live and let live, than it is to struggle and suffer so.
What I enjoy so much about being a student of cultural transformation and pre-history is discovering that the Paleolithic and Neolithic societies of Old Europe were, in fact, relatively peaceful societies. Many of these societies were highly advanced in many ways, including art, which displays a shocking lack of violent imagery. In fact, there have been no images found that depict the use of weaponry by humans against other humans. This does not mean that there wasn't any violence. It just means that violence wasn't glorified as it is later on and up to the present day.
In examples such as Minoan Crete and Catal Huyuk, we learn, based on the research of archeologist, Marija Gimbutas, that women and men held equal status in these societies, with women playing significant roles in sacred rituals and art. These societies were also matrifocal - not matriarchal, but matrifocal, where the sexuality and life-giving power of woman was honored and thought to be divine instead of from the devil.
And, so I say, there has NOT always been war, and if we believe in progressive evolution, there is no reason why violence, fear and war as an acceptable means of controlling people needs to continue. I am still discovering where I sit between the extremes of totalitarianism and anarchy, and I must confess that (big surprise) I do not have all the answers. But, I believe that there are answers and I am willing to scour my subconscious for a lifetime, if necessary, to find them!

First Gylany Now Rant

Riane Eisler wrote The Chalice and the Blade (way back) in 1987. Ever since I picked it up and devoured it last year, I have found my calling, the thing that I have been asking for, the bigger picture to which I desire to contribute my talents and my life. I would like to help bring the dream of gylany - equality of the sexes - into reality.
It is obvious to me that women and men have different strengths and weaknesses, equally valuable, equally necessary. As partners they are so much more powerful and creative than when one dominates or supresses the other. That we are still in the year 2000 seeing so much suffering in the world, so much warfare, so much male domination, so much patriarchy, is inconceivable to me.
In my world (smile), there is a male and a female head of each country. They must work together to achieve the ideals of their people.
In my world (again, smile), the legends and archetypal stories that we tell our children are not battles of good against evil, but examples of the very best and highest activities and thoughts human beings can pursue and achieve. They involve love of the lifegiving source, love of the planet that sustains us, love of all the many expressions of life and a kind of human communication that allows people to work together to create peace and prosperity.
I homeschool my second grade son. And, oh, the agony I suffer at the examples that he sees, both mine and that of the media. What I want him to see is the beauty permeating all life, the value of quiet time or meditation, how to move his body in healthy ways, how and what to eat. I want him to see people talking to each other with kindness and understanding, in tones of respect. I want him to feel the namaste feeling when he greets another person. And, I want to finally learn these things for myself.
I hope as this blog evolves, that I will evolve with it, that I will find useful information and bring it to my readers. I hope that I will rant less and show more of the beauty that is manifesting in the world right now. I hope there can be an exchange of ideas rather than just my ideas spilling over with all of their flaws and hypocracies.
Peace,
Mary Preiser Potts